The Valkyrie

Valkyrie

Soldier – Secondary Slot
Level 12 Shotgun

+15% damage for every kill
-75% damage done
No critical hits

The Valkyrie is a longer, wider and bulkier shotgun, with a polished finish. There is only one barrel, decorated with a ferocious falcon endpiece. Crudely drawn decals are on the handle and near the falcon endpiece, resembling lightning bolts.

The Valkyrie is for the survivor, the Soldier that can head into battle, kill a whole nest of maggots, then live to tell it to any of his less courageous friends.
In the hands of the inexperienced, it is poor and unnecessary. It deals a measly 75% damage when compared to a standard issue shotgun. Those who can’t use it right will be at a handicap.
However, for every kill (whether it be a giblet-flinging explosion, a few shells to the face or a entrenchment bludgeoning that seals the deal) the Soldier achieves, the valor of your efforts – and the failure of your enemie’s efforts – powers up the falconised shotgun, earning it more power. It increase by 15% every time (until it reaches a peak of 150%, as too much greatness would overload the gun).
While useless at times, the true power of this weapon comes from some excellent sprees. If you can get this fully powered up, you will be the envy (and the main target) of the battlefield!
Just don’t give this to the FNGs. They’ll just make a fool of themselves.

Taunts: The Soldier bends low, growls, then thrusts his shotgun into the air with his right hand. A thunderclap or lightning strike is heard. The Soldier then laughs proudly as he lowers the shotgun.

Notes:
This weapon is for the survivalist Soldier, or at least the ones that don’t die every minute (unlike me :/ ).
Dying resets your boost, so those that go on straight up killing sprees won’t get too far. Not to mention that you are handicapped to begin with, so you have to do some real damage first before it’s even worth using the Valkyrie. However, if you kill off a lot of enemy team members and stay alive, you’ll be rewarded with some extra damage.
To balance it against some really good Soldiers or just the lucky ones, I also removed random critical hits. No abusing it! Your shotgun will also glow more with the amount of people you kill, so enemies and allies will know how much power you have.
I think this weapon should go well with competitive Soldiers, Soldiers who often get kritzkrieg ubercharges, or even just Soldiers that know how to stop dying (unlike me :/ ).

Basic Version:
= The Valkyrie initially does 80% damage compared to the shotgun.
= For every enemy the Soldier kills (with any weapon), the Valkyrie does +15% damage.
= The Valkyrie will do this for up to six kills, as it maxes out at 150% (75%, 90%, 105%, 120%, 135%, 150%).
= This shotgun does not get random critical hits.
= When you kill an enemy, your weapon will begin to glow your team’s colour. This glow increases with the amount of enemies killed.
= When the Soldier dies, the damage done is reset to 80% and must be regained by killing enemies.

The Mortardom

Mortardom

Demoman – Primary Slot
Level 6 Mortar Launcher

Straighter projectile arc
120% damage done
Detonates upon impact
50% clip size

The Mortardom is a mortar launcher, with the ground grips now twisted and reshaped to fit for shoulder-houlstered use. The launcher is a large metal tube, the metal coloured the team colour and decorated with yellow stripes. Black ash marks are around the barrel.

Hey there Jimmy! What you doing?
Playing Demoman? Good choice there. Go get em’ Jimmy!
…What’s that? You’re only using the sticky bomb launcher! Ooh, people don’t like it when you do that.
Jimmy, why not use the grenade launcher as well?
…What’s that? It’s too hard to use? Doesn’t do enough damage? Well then, why not try this weapon instead!
…What is it? It’s the Mortardom! The same kind of mortar launcher they used in the pacific islands during World War II!
How it works is it shoots mortar shells at your enemies, blowing them to smitheereens!
…Why do you want to use this instead of the grenade launcher, Jimmy? Well, I’m glad you asked.
This launcher has a much straighter, much smoother projectile arc, similar to the Pyro’s flare gun. Neat, eh?
…That’s right, Jimmy! It also does that little bit more damage, so you can nail some of the bigger bullies out there in less time!
So why don’t you head on over to the local war museum and steal your very own Mortardom?
…Damn straight, Jimmy! Damn straight.
Note: Thisweaponmayormaynothaveasmallerclipsizethanthatofthe
grenadelauncher.

Taunts: The Demoman lays the launcher on the ground, shoots a mortar shell directly upwards, laughs for a bit, then picks it back up. Five seconds later, the shell will drop back down and explode, instantly killing any enemies.

Notes:
Removes that nasty projectile arc for some extra firepower. It’s actually more like a rocket launcher for the Demoman.
I never found the grenade launcher to be useful unless it was in direct combat, in which the arc made it more difficult to hit enemies and the amount of damage didn’t help much either. So I made this. WUNDERBAR.
You may wonder why detonating on impact is a bad thing. Well, with the grenade launcher, you can clear out a room by shooting all your grenades in there. You can even do this just by shooting up and into a window. If they detonate on impact, they will not roll around or be at an arc, so you can’t clear out enemy positions as efficiently as usual.
And smaller clip size because your two mortars need to hit their mark – reduce spamming and all that. Cus I hate that. :P

Basic Version:
= The Mortardom does 120% damage compared to the grenade launcher.
= The mortars fly at an arc similar to the flare gun.
= The mortars do not roll around if they miss – they will detonate as soon as they hit anything.
= The Mortardom has a clip size of 2, compared to the grenade launcher’s clip size of 4.
= This weapon has a taunt kill. Taunting with the Mortardom launches a powerful mortar into the air. Five seconds later, it will fall and detonate, killing any enemies in the blast radius instantly. This does not work indoors.

The Scavenger Satchel

Scavenger Satchel

Engineer – Primary Slot
Level 8 Metal Belt

+50 maximum metal
Replaces shotgun

The Scavenger Satchel is a small, leather satchel that winds around the Engineer’s belt. A few bumper stickers are labelled upon it. The zip is open and some nuts and bolts are visible inside.

The Engineer was once a young boy, building and repairing things like no one else his age could. In his youth, he had a small satchel, in which he carried bits of metal or other interesting things he could one day make an invention out of. He even kept some of the blueprints he designed that would later become reality.
As the Engineer grew up, he forgot about his satchel, more interested in shotguns. He went off to fight some war, building sentries and dispensers and such. But every so often, he found he just didn’t have enough metal. He would always run out of spare parts, needed for upgrading the sentry or finishing up a dispenser. He threw down his shotgun in frustation after failing to repair a teleporter and stormed off for a break.
He went back home to think up a solution… and there he found his satchel. His precious satchel. How he had neglected it. He forgot about his shotgun, picked up his lost friend and went to rejoin the fight.

Taunts: Same as the Shotgun taunt (the Engineer dances in a western style, while wooing loudly).

Notes:
No shotgun, but more metal. Worth a trade?
This is the defensive choice… in a way. You can build a sentry and a dispenser without having to go find any metal boxes, as well as finding it easier to upgrade and repair buildings under pressure. However, no shotgun. Ow.
No other comments except the satchel was upset when he was left behind. ;_;

Basic Version:
= Equipping the Scavenger Satchel increases the maximum amount of metal to 250.
= The Scavenger Satchel replaces the shotgun.

The Cold Trail

Cold Trail

Spy – Primary Slot
Level 6 Silencer

Kills are silent and leave no trace
Greater damage falloff

Long Range Damage: 10 – 12
Close Range Damage: 26 – 34
Close Range Damage: 50 – 55
Critical Hit Damage: 120

The Cold Trail is similar to the standard revolver, but has a long black silencer attached. The gun itself is more metallic and longer than the revolver. The handle of the gun is slightly blue and an ice decal follows along the silencer.

There once was a Spy who was sneaky
And his stabbing skills were quite freaky
He’d backstab the Pyro
Make his great escapado
And the enemy be none the wiser

But every so once in a while
They would find him from over a mile
The Spy would then run
But never have fun
As the same Pyro came and sprayed fire

The Spy then learnt of his weakness
The killbars were making awareness
So he got a revolver
Took some special care of her
And named the gun “Cold Trail”

With it, the Spy would never seen
For no body would be left at the scene
With no killbar to tell
Then all would be well
(Except for the decrease in range)

Taunts: The Spy bows for a moment, then stands up, brings the pistol to his lips and then blows (pretending to blow away smoke from the barrel).

Notes:
I know the effectiveness of this is not that well on games with lots of communication (especially those angry, serious competitive ones, but Spies aren’t allowed in those anyway) so don’t bother pointing that out. I just thought it would help if the Spy had a gun that could truly be stealthy, rather than for last resorts or headshot practice.
And I want ice decals on a gun. So, yeah. :P

Basic Version:
= Killing an enemy with the Cold Trail gives no killcam to the enemy, provides no killbar for the enemy team and their ragdoll disappears within seconds.
= The amount of damage done at medium range is 75% and damage done at close range is 50% compared to the Revolver.
= The Cold Trail makes a very quiet sound when firing.

The Coffee Mug

Coffee Mug

Sniper – Melee Slot
Level 1 Souvenir

On Taunt : +15% movement speed
Jarate recharges in half the time
Coffee takes time to recharge
85% damage done

Close Range Damage: 50 – 61
Critical Hit Damage: 166

The Coffee Mug is a small, white china mug. The words “#1 Sniper” are written on the side in big red letters. It is chipped on the handle and on one or two parts of the rim. A coffee stain ring is on the base of the mug.

RECEIPT:
Guy’s Outback Souvenir Store

Your Clerk was: Shelly
Clerk ID: 05302

Items:
1 x #1 Sniper Novelty Mug
1 x Glass Jar (XL)
5 x Packets of Prunes

Thank you for buying our merchandise!Taunts: The Sniper quickly takes a drink of coffee, sighs happily, then jitters and shakes. The Sniper moves at 115% speed for roughly 7 seconds. The Sniper clutches himself in a fever-like state while running. He will sometimes say:
“Gogogogogogogogo!”
“Gotta move, gotta move, gotta move!”
“Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!”
“Can’t stop, can’t stop till I get enough!”

Notes:
Since Jarate got introduced (of all things), why not that tacky yet cool coffee mug?
The mug is for Snipers who want to move as quickly as possibly. Whether it’s escaping once found by enemies, or getting into a hiding spot quicker for ideal sniping. Of course, the mug does less damage so unaware or aggressive Snipers will be better off with the Kukri.
…I need some coffee. :P

 

Basic Version:
= Taunting with the Coffee Mug makes the Sniper take a drink, boosting his speed to 115% for about 7 seconds.
= Coffee takes about 7 seconds to recharge.
= The Coffee Mug does 80% damage compared to the Kukri.

The Octoberfists

Octoberfists

Heavy – Melee Slot
Level 9 Power Gloves

85% movement speed (while wielded)
-50 maximum health

Close Range Damage: 59 – 72
Critical Hit Damage: 195

The Octoberfists are similar to the standard gloves for the fists, but they have metal spikes around the wrists and it is ripped in places. They are fingerless and black in colour.

Prepare for October 1st (or 2nd if those crazy mathematicians have determined the year is crazy this time) in style – buy some gloves designed for beating down your fellow man!
These fancy gloves are specifically built for you so that every time you down a foreigner trying to sneak into our festivals, such as Americans/Britons/Australians/Frenchmen, you will feel that good old (possibly intoxicated) boost and leg your way around with valor!
Stop by any souvenir shop and have your new gloves ready for any Octoberfest brawls!
Note: May or may not cause loss of health. The spikes go through both sides of the gloves.

Select Option of Payment: For Myself / For Someone Else
If “For Someone Else”, Recipient Name: Heavy Weapons Guy
Customer Name: Medic

Taunts: The Heavy stands with his hands on his hips, points and bellows with laughter. If being healed by a Medic while taunting, he laughs even louder (possibly the biggest and angriest laugh the Heavy can pull off).

Notes:
Essentially those rumoured Gloves of Running Urgently, but given my own negative attribute. I always felt the Heavy should have a weapon to drop his health a bit. I made sure that the speed boost only worked while you had the gloves out as well, for balance and stuff.
Other than that, I have little to say. But I would love that taunt above all else. :P

Basic Version:
= While you have the Octoberfists out, you run at 85% standard speed (slightly faster than the Soldier).
= You have 50 less health with these equipped, dropping your health to 250.

The Halbird

Halbird

Pyro – Melee Slot
Level 4 Fire Axe

Can be used for a power swing
75% attack speed

Close Range Damage: 59 – 72
Close Range Damage (Power Swing): 106
Critical Hit Damage: 195

The Halbird is a huge halberd styled axe, wielded with two hands. The end of the axe is bright steel, decorated with phoenix feathers (stuck on with sticky tape). The pole of the axe is also steel, yet dented in places (similar to the Scout’s bat).

May I axe you a question? Are you happy with your current selection of chopping tools? No? Then maybe this tall, steel beast will be what you need!
The Halbird is a full one hundred and eighty centimeters in height and made with the finest steels available. It’s even got authentic mystical burning bird feathers on it!
With this halberd masterpiece, you can wind up for a huge slicing swing in just two seconds. Just wait around the corner with this thing, pull back, then slam it into any unfortunate skulls passing by.
Of course, you will still be able to attack at full speed! Only weak mutes would be swinging at a slower speed.
To order your Halbird now, please send us one unicorn horn, two dragon wings, one ancient moonstone and one useful Sniper.

Taunts: The Pyro flips it over and uses it like a mic stand, dancing and singing (mumbling) some unknown lyrics.

Notes:
The only reasons a Pyro ever seems to use the fireaxe is if they are trying to keep a bit stealthy (fire can be rather loud) or if they are trying to show off.
To keep in the stealthy aspect, the Halbird has a power swing. It does a higher amount of reliable damage (and gives a tad bit of knockback), but takes two seconds to charge up. That makes it very impractical in fights where the enemy has seen you. I suppose you could pull it off, but it’s still a stupid idea. The power swing rewards you for remaining hidden and attacking when the time is right.
To keep in the showing aspect, the Halbird is the biggest and shiniest axe. :P

Basic Version:
= The secondary fire performs a powerful two-handed swing, which always mini-crits on enemies.
= It takes two seconds to wind up the swing. The Pyro can move while winding up.
= It swings at 75% speed compared to the axe.

The Screamin’ Eagle

Screamin’ Eagle

Soldier – Primary Slot
Level 6 Rocket Launcher

Mini-critical hits on direct hits
200% reload time

Long Range Damage (Direct Hit): 60 – 80
Medium Range Damage (Direct Hit): 67 – 120
Close Range Damage (Direct Hit): 140 – 149
Critical Hit Damage: 270

The Screamin’ Eagle is a more angled rocket launcher, with the nozzle shaped like the head of an eagle. Red, white and blue stripes are painted along the shaft, somewhat scratched. A tiny novelty American flag sits on the top of the nozzle at the end.

Minute Meeting Record #023:
Soldier: Did you get that new piece of equipment for me, engy?
Engineer: Sure as hell have. I just wished you hadn’t been on my grill so much while I was building it.
Soldier: I will work you until you work! Now where is it?
*brief grumbling from Engineer as he goes to retrieve the weapon; he returns with it in his hands*
Engineer: Here she is. Beaut. That should get some patriotism down a throat or two.
*inspired cackling as Soldier takes and examines the rocket launcher*
Engineer: Extra hydraulics and such in the propulsion mechanisms mean this baby makes a bigger punch when you hit fellas head on with it.
Soldier: So, more damage and more communist giblets?
Engineer: Ayep. But the rockets gotta hit em’ direct, no splashing them at their feet and all that.
Soldier: Hmph.
Engineer: Oh, by the way, should mention that with the bigger propulsion and all that, reloading may take a bit more time than before.
Soldier: What?! Outrageous! How could you not fix that?
Engineer: Gotta sell money to make money.
*fuming from Soldier*
Soldier: Alright, alright, I’ll be more careful on loading more rockets… But for taking so long to build this device, I demand a hundred push-ups!
*brief silence*
Soldier: NOW, ROOKIE!
*loud grumbling from Engineer as he obliges*
*rest of record is angry yelling from Soldier*

Taunts: Same as Rocket Launcher taunt (the Soldier mock salutes by doing a ‘loser’ sign with his hand while saying:)
“Maggots!”
“Cuh-rit!”
“Leeeeft-hut!”

Notes:
Rewards the Soldier for making careful or accurate shots, at the expense of reloading speed. Spamming with the Screamin’ Eagle will make it harder to recover, so you have to make your shots count.
I have little else to say; it’s simple yet effective.

Basic Version:
= The Screamin’ Eagle mini-crits on enemies if the rocket hits them directly.
= Reloading rockets take twice as much time.

I’m not much of a Soldier player, but I know that rocket launcher changes should be minor. I hope this is alright.
And yes, I am aware the name is cliche. Sorry. :P

Whiskeh Flask

Demoman – Melee Slot
Level 12 Silver Flask

On Taunt : All health restored
65% damage done

Close Range Damage: 43
Critical Hit Damage: 130

The Whiskeh Flask is a polished silver alcohol flask, with a few dents on the surface. The cap is styled like a traditional bottle cap and the words “Me Lil’ Secret’ are (crudely) written on the side.

Many men on the job have no healthcare. They have to blow up buildings full of people, but their employers won’t care if they are caught in the blast as well.
Well, time heals our wounds, but whisky heals it faster.
One swig of Captain Willy’s High Northland Whisky and any man of Scottish valour will be back on their feet, ready to take on anything the world – or himself – can throw and blow up at him.
Now available in anywhere but Ireland.

Taunts: Same as Bottle taunt (the Demoman says “Cheers, mate!”, takes a swig from his bottle and belches loudly).

Notes:
Essentially the Sandvich, but for the Demoman. I always felt the Demoman needed it more, since he had nearly half as much health and was more likely to take damage, since he used explosives and everything. Since giving him something like haggis seemed a little too stereotypical (yes, even for Team Fortress), I made it a melee weapon. The ability to heal all your health (albeit over about five seconds) is traded off with poor damage output.
Pretty basic idea, but designed to help those who are a bit clumsy as the Demoman. Like me.

Basic Version:
= Taunting with the Whiskeh Flask gradually heals all of your health. The taunt takes the same amount of time as the Bottle taunt (roughly five seconds).
= The Whiskeh Flask does roughly 65% damage compared to the Bottle.

The Scrapwelder

Scrapwelder

Engineer – Melee Slot
Level 5 Blowtorch

Ignites enemies
Cannot halve building speed

Close Range Damage: 65 (per second)
Critical Hit Damage: 195 (per second)
Afterburn Damage: 3 damage per second (30 damage total)

The Scrapwelder is a somewhat rusted blowtorch, with some safety stickers placed on the canister. The nozzle is cylinder and a small flame strand, like the one on the flamethrower, extends from the top.
Some engineers just build a few death machines. Some engineers do that with a fancy wrench. And then some engineers do it with state-of-the-art blowtorches.
Wrenches are fine and all, but they don’t burn things. We know how you can always be interrupted by those men in suits, destroying your possessions. Well, fight fire with fire; this can ignite enemies, not only dealing some barbeque fate to them, but also useful for finding out which of your friends are really your friends.
Of course, we had to replace some components for the whole burning thing, so we had to take out that component that helped you create buildings in half the time by smacking them relentlessly. Still, a good engineer like you doesn’t need some cheap construction-time-halving trick, do you?
The Scrapwelder is now available in your local store. Comes free with a bottle of beer.

Taunts: The Engineer throws the Scrapwelder up, then catches it stylishly. He does this three times while saying:
“Hot enough for ya, dummy?”
“I smell a good ol’ barbeque.”
“You’re nothing but scrap, boy.”
“Ssssssssst.” (Imitating a burning sound)

Notes:
The Scrapwelder is pretty self-explanatory – ignites enemies but cannot create buildings in half the time. It should be used for defensive or supportive engineers that usually have time on their hands for building. The burning effect makes spy-checking easier, but not by a lot; it will not remove their disguises, so you still have to kill them before they run off or go for a quick sap, and not many spies will hang around for you to give them a few burns.
Nonetheless, I find this one alright. I hope you do too.

Basic Version:
= Holding down the primary fire turns on the Scrapwelder, burning any enemy it touches.
= The Scrapwelder upgrades and repairs at the same rate as the Wrench.
= You cannot halve the time for building. Hitting a building with the wrench as it builds will make it operational in half the time; the Scrapwelder will not affect it.